The Loop Master.
(Scene: A tavern. The Wizard Empress is reading alone at a table. An empty chair is opposite her. The Loop Master enters.)
THE LOOP MASTER: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?
EMPRESS: Excuse me?
THE LOOP MASTER: Is this taken?
EMPRESS: Yes it is.
THE LOOP MASTER: Oh. Sorry.
EMPRESS: Sure thing.
(A bell rings softly.)
TLM: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?
EMP: Excuse me?
TLM: Is this taken?
EMP: No, but I'm expecting somebody in a minute.
TLM: Oh. Thanks anyway.
EMP: Sure thing.
(A bell rings softly.)
TLM: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?
EMP: No, but I'm expecting somebody very shortly.
TLM: Would you mind if I sit here till he or she or it comes?
EMP: (Glances at her watch): They do seem to be pretty late...
TLM: You never know who you might be turning down.
EMP: Sorry. Nice try, though.
TLM: Sure thing.
(Bell.)
TLM: Is this seat taken?
EMP: No it's not.
TLM: Would you mind if I sit here?
EMP: Yes I would.
TLM: Oh.
(Bell)
TLM: Is this chair taken?
EMP: No it's not.
TLM: Would you mind if I sit here?
EMP: No. Go ahead.
TLM: Thanks. (He sits. She continues reading). Every place else seems to be taken.
EMP: Mm-hm.
TLM: Great place.
EMP: Mm-hm.
TLM: What's the book?
EMP: I just wanted to read in quiet, if you don't mind.
TLM: No. Sure thing.
(Bell.)
TLM: Every place else seems to be taken.
EMP: Mm-hm.
TLM: Great place for reading.
EMP: Yes, I like it.
TLM: What's the book?
EMP: The Sound and the Fury.
TLM: Oh. Hemingway.
(Bell.)
TLM: What's the book?
EMP: The Sound and the Fury.
TLM: Oh. Faulkner.
EMP: Have you read it?
TLM: Not...actually. I've sure read about it, though. It's supposed to be great.
EMP: It is great.
TLM: I hear it's great. (Small pause) Waiter?
(Bell.)
TLM: What's the book?
EMP: The Sound and the Fury.
TLM: Oh. Faulkner.
EMP: Have you read it?
TLM: I'm a Quidditch fan, myself.
(Bell.)
EMP: Have you read it?
TLM: Yeah, I read it in college.
EMP: Where was college?
TLM: I went to Kobold University.
(Bell.)
EMP: Where was college?
TLM: I was lying. I never really went to college. I just like to party.
(Bell.)
EMP: Where was college?
TLM: The White Wizard Academy.
EMP: Do you like Faulkner?
TLM: I love Faulkner. I spent a whole winter reading him once.
EMP: I've just started.
TLM: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. One of the greatest reading experiences of my life. I mean, all that incredible psychological understanding. Page after page of gorgeous prose. His profound grasp of the mystery of time and human existence. The smells of the earth. . . . What do you think?
EMP: I think it's pretty boring.
(Bell.)
TLM: What's the book?
EMP: The Sound and the Fury.
TLM: Oh! Faulkner!
EMP: Do you like Faulkner?
TLM: I love Faulkner.
EMP: He's incredible.
TLM: I spent a whole winter reading him once.
EMP: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote.
TLM: All that incredible psychological understanding.
EMP: And the prose is so gorgeous.
TLM: And the way he's grasped the mystery of time--
EMP: --and human existence. I can't believe I've waited this long to read him.
TLM: You never know. You might not have liked him before.
EMP: That's true.
TLM: You might not have been ready for him. You have to hit these things at the right moment or it's no good.
EMP: That's happened to me.
TLM: It's all in the timing. (Small pause.) My name's The Loop Master, by the way.
EMP: I'm The Wizard Empress.
TLM: Hi.
EMP: Hi. (Small pause.)
TLM: Yes I thought reading Faulkner was... a great experience.
EMP: Yes. (Small pause.)
TLM: The Sound and the Fury... (Another small pause.)
EMP: Well. Onwards and upwards. (She goes back to her book..)
TLM: Waiter--?
(Bell.)
TLM: You have to hit these things at the right moment or it's no good.
EMP: That's happened to me.
TLM: It's all in the timing. My name's The Loop Master, by the way.
EMP: I'm The Wizard Empress.
TLM: Hi.
EMP: Hi.
TLM: Do you come in here a lot?
EMP: Actually I'm just in town for two days from the Quantum Downs.
TLM: Oh. The Quantum Downs.
(Bell.)
TLM: My name's The Loop Master, by the way.
EMP: I'm The Wizard Empress.
TLM: Hi.
EMP: Hi.
TLM: Do you come in here a lot?
EMP: Every once in a while. Do you?
TLM: Not so much anymore. Not as much as I used to. Before my nervous breakdown.
(Bell.)
TLM: Do you come in here a lot?
EMP: Why are you asking?
TLM: Just interested.
EMP: Are you really interested, or do you just want to pick me up?
TLM: No, I'm really interested.
EMP: Why would you be interested in whether I come in here a lot?
TLM: Just . . . getting acquainted.
EMP: Maybe you're only interested for the sake of making small talk long enough to ask me back to your tower to listen to some music, or because you've just rented this great spell, or because you've got this terrific unknown Magus Wazir record, only all you really want to do is hook up— which you won't do very well --after which you'll go into the bathroom and pee very loudly, then pad into the kitchen and get yourself a beer without asking me whether I'd like anything, and then you'll proceed to lie back down beside me and confess that you've got a girlfriend named Druid Diana of the Wood who's away at medical school in Calista’s Citadel for a year, and that you've been involved with her--off and on--in what you'll call a very "complicated" relationship, for about seven YEARS. None of which interests me, mister!
TLM: Okay.
(Bell.)
TLM: Do you come in here a lot?
EMP: Every other day, I think.
TLM: I come in here quite a lot and I don't remember seeing you.
EMP: I guess we must be on different schedules.
TLM: Missed connections.
EMP: Yes. Different time zones.
TLM: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it.
EMP: I know.
TLM: City life.
EMP: It's crazy.
TLM: We probably pass each other in the street every day. Right in front of this place, probably.
EMP: Yep.
TLM(Looks around): Well the waiters here sure seem to be in some different time zone. I can't seem to locate one anywhere. . . .Waiter! (He looks back.). So what do you-- (He sees that she's gone back to her book)
EMP: I beg pardon?
TLM: Nothing. Sorry.
(Bell.)
EMP: I guess we must be on different schedules.
TLM: Missed connections.
EMP: Yes. Different time zones.
TLM: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it.
EMP: I know.
TLM: City life.
EMP: It's crazy.
TLM: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
EMP: Actually I was.
TLM: Oh. Boyfriend?
EMP: Sort of.
TLM: What's a sort-of boyfriend?
EMP: My husband.
TLM: Ah-ha.
(Bell.)
TLM: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
EMP: Actually I was.
TLM: Oh. Boyfriend?
EMP: Sort of.
TLM: What's a sort-of boyfriend?
EMP: We were meeting here to break up.
TLM: Mm-hm. . .
(Bell.)
TLM: What's a sort-of boyfriend?
EMP: My lover. Here she comes right now!
(Bell.)
TLM: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
EMP: No, just reading.
TLM: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn't it? Reading here, all by yourself?
EMP: Do you think so?
TLM: Well sure. I mean, what's a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night?
EMP: Trying to keep away from lines like that.
TLM: No, listen—
(Bell.)
TLM: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
EMP: No, just reading.
TLM: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn't it? Reading here all by yourself?
EMP: I guess it is, in a way.
TLM: What's a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night anyway? No offense, but. . .
EMP: I'm out alone on a Friday night for the first time in a very long time.
TLM: Oh.
EMP: You see, I just recently ended a relationship.
TLM: Oh.
EMP: Of rather long standing.
TLM: I'm sorry.
(Small pause.)
Well listen, since reading by yourself is such a sad occupation for a Friday night, would you like to go elsewhere?
EMP: No . . .
TLM: Do something else?
EMP: No thanks.
TLM: I was headed out to the movies in a while anyway.
EMP: I don't think so.
TLM: Big chance to let Faulkner catch his breath. All those long sentences get him pretty tired.
EMP: Thanks anyway.
TLM: Okay.
EMP: I appreciate the invitation.
TLM: Sure thing.
(Bell.)
TLM: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
EMP: No, just reading.
TLM: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn't it? Reading here all by yourself?
EMP: I guess I was trying to think of it as existentially romantic. You know--cappuccino, great literature, rainy night. . .
TLM: That only works in the Archipelago. We could hop a broom to Archipelago. Find a cafe. . .
EMP: I'm a little short on broom fare tonight.
TLM: Darn it, so am I.
EMP: To tell you the truth, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come
along? Since you can't locate a waiter?
TLM: That's a very nice offer, but. . .
EMP: Uh-huh. Girlfriend?
TLM: Two, actually. One of them's pregnant, and Diana--
(Bell.)
EMP: Girlfriend?
TLM: No, I don't have a girlfriend. Not if you mean the castrating witch I dumped last night.
(Bell.)
EMP: Girlfriend?
TLM: Sort of. Sort of.
EMP: What's a sort-of girlfriend?
TLM: My mother.
(Bell.)
TLM: I just ended a relationship, actually.
EMP: Oh.
TLM: Of rather long standing.
EMP: I'm sorry to hear it.
TLM: This is my first night out alone in a long time. I feel a little bit at sea, to tell you the truth.
EMP: So you didn't stop to talk because you're a Weird Wizz, or you have some weird political affiliation--?
TLM: Nope. Straight-down-the-ticket Red Wizard.
(Bell.)
Straight-down-the-ticket Blue Wizard.
(Bell.)
Can I tell you something about politics?
(Bell.)
I like to think of myself a citizen of the Runiverse.
(Bell.)
TLM: I’m unaffiliated.
EMP: That's a relief. So am I.
TLM: I vote my beliefs.
EMP: Labels are not important.
TLM: Labels are not important, exactly. Take me, for example. I mean, what does it matter if I had a two-point at—
(Bell.)
-three-point at—
(Bell.)
four-point at college? Or if I did come from Cuckoo Land—
(Bell.)
(Bell.)
The Capital?
EMP: Sure.
TLM: I believe that a man is what he is.
(Bell.)
A person is what he is.
(Bell.)
A wizard is. . . what they are.
EMP: I think so too.
TLM: So what if I admire the Lich Emperor Supreme?
(Bell.)
So what if I once had a total-body liposuction?
(Bell.)
So what if I don't have any magic?
(Bell.)
So what if I once spent a year in the Wizard Peace Corps? I was acting on my convictions.
EMP: Sure.
TLM: You just can't hang a sign on a person.
EMP: Absolutely. I'll bet you're a Mercury.
(Many bells ring.)
Listen, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along?
TLM: That sounds like fun. What's playing?
EMP: A couple of the really early Wizzy Allen movies.
TLM: Oh.
EMP: You don't like Wizzy Allen?
TLM: Sure. I like Wizzy Allen.
EMP: But you're not crazy about Wizzy Allen.
TLM: Those early ones kind of get on my nerves.
EMP: Uh-huh.
(Bell.)
TLM: Y'know I was headed to the--
EMP (Simultaneously): I was thinking about--
TLM: I'm sorry.
EMP: No, go ahead.
TLM: I was going to say that I was headed to the movies in a little while, and. . .
EMP: So was I.
TLM: The Wizzy Allen festival?
EMP: Just up the street.
TLM: Do you like the early ones?
EMP: I think anybody who doesn't ought to be run off the planet.
TLM: How many times have you seen Big Potion Company Man?
EMP: Eight times.
TLM: Twelve. So are you still interested? (Long pause.)
EMP: Do you like Fermented Milk. . .?
TLM: Last night I went out at two in the morning to get a bottle. Did you have a Witch-a-Sketch as a child?
EMP: Yes! And do you like Brussels sprouts? (Pause.)
TLM: I think they’re disgusting.
EMP: They are disgusting!
TLM: Do you still believe in marriage in spite of current sentiments against it?
EMP: Yes.
TLM: And children?
EMP: Three of them.
TLM: Two girls and a boy.
EMP: Elena, Carly and Zaros of Dream Master Lake.
TLM: And will you love me?
EMP: Yes.
TLM: And cherish me forever?
EMP: Yes.
TLM: Do you still want to go to the movies?
EMP: Sure thing.
THE LOOP MASTER AND THE WIZARD EMPRESS (Together): Waiter!
Remix Credit: Sure Thing (1988) by David Ives
Entered by: 0xb9C5…c39f and preserved on chain (see transaction)
