The Lore of Arch-Magician Nazim of the Keep

Many, many decades ago, or it may have been last week, it is hard to keep track these days, Arch-Magician Nazim found himself in a precarious situation. Maybe it is best if we backtrack a bit.

Legend has it that in the long ago an elder monster, known as the Terror Beast ravaged the land, engulfing the countryside in chaos and suffering. It took the joint efforts of 10 rival arch mages to finally capture the beast and seal it in a magic tomb deep within the Quantum Shadow. The wizards knew the tomb would not hold the beast forever and sent forth a guardian spirit to keep an eye on it so that future heroes might unite to stop it once again if it were to escape. Well good thing too because eventually, the wards decayed and, the Terror Beast escaped!

It just so happens that Arch-Magician Nazim was scheduled to perform a minor miracle in Goblin Town that day – his old adventuring friend, Zolg and his partner Glurk, were celebrating the birth of their 17th child. As everyone knows, the birth of a 17th child is a major event in Goblin Town and calls for an extravagant (and costly) celebration. Unfortunately, Zolg and Glurk cared deeply about keeping up social appearances and their neighbor Utog, just last month hired an entire troglodyte dancing troupe to choreograph and lead the customary neighborhood birthing dance – needless to say, the dance went viral! Zolg and Glurk were prepared to go to any lengths to outdo Utog and they knew just who to call for help.

Back to Nazim. A raven arrived one crisp Autumn morning carrying a message sealed with the traditional yak dung emblem used most commonly in Goblin Town. Nazim knew the message must be from Zolg as few knew the location of Nazim’s hidden keep, camouflaged as it were by powerful illusions deep within the Thorn. Because Zolg’s handwriting was absolutely atrocious, Nazim couldn’t tell if his old friend was asking him to help liven up a child’s birthday party or help vanquish a horde of rancorous cannibal gargoyles (you’d be surprised how similar these sentences look with the Goblin alphabet). He was hoping it was the birthday celebration as gargoyles were known to have terrible hygiene and honestly, he wanted to dust off an old favorite spell of his that used to wow the ladies: his trademark “Nazim’s Ultimate Funky Jubilation Extravaganza Spell (you have to see it to believe it). Either way, Nazim owed Zolg and Glurk a favor after they rescued him from the Mindwarper Dungeon when he was imprisoned for turning the High Priest’s cat into a gold paper weight after a bender one night at the Prancing Ogre Inn.

So there Nazim was on his way to either help with a birthday party or defeat a horde of gargoyles when he saw it. The Terror Beast rose above the hills, a nightmare manifested into reality. The ground swelled and cracked and the liquified inferno of the earth’s core oozed and sputtered out as if the world were a pot boiled too long. The Beast approached, ignorant of the gnat that was Nazim.

Now, Nazim was no slouch when it came to magic and had defeated many horrible denizens of darkness over the years. Yet, in this moment, he was afraid, not only for his own life but also the lives of all citizens and wizards throughout the land. Nazim decided he must act to stop the beast.

Drawing on all his accumulated knowledge and capabilities, Nazim began unleashing terrible magics upon the creature. Lances of energy, bolts of lightning, and clouds of poison were thrown again and again at the monster. Battalions of undead were summoned from the grounds and demons called forth from bowels of hell itself but to no avail. The beast marched onward.

Defeated, Nazim slumped to the ground, exhausted, alone and scared. All felt lost.

Then, quite suddenly, Nazim heard a small whisper urging him to get up, to try once more, and to quit being such a baby. Startled, Nazim looked around but could not locate the voice. It might have been a trick of the light or a side effect of his disintegrating nerves reacting to the encroaching river of magma. Wherever the voice came from, and whatever it was, Nazim found renewed strength to try one more time. He rose to his feet and staggered into the path of the monster. The voice returned and again whispered to him: “The beast cannot be harmed by fell magic, its weakness is a child’s innocence and the purity of simple pleasures.” Nazim groaned and replied to this invisible being, “what does that even mean? Do I need to go find a child to feed the monster or something?” There was a short pause then what sounded like someone slapping themselves exhausted on the head, “um no, try your simpler spells. The big flashy ones don’t really work on the Terror Beast. He’s sort of a drama queen and really hates it when people don’t take him seriously.

Nazim reflected on the days when he was first learning magic. His only hope was a spell he had learned when he was a child, and one he had not cast since he turned his uncle into Frank into a goat -- a simple transformation spell that was no longer taught at wizard schools, deemed too insignificant even for apprentice wizards.

Although it had been ages since Nazim uttered the words necessary for the spell, the arcane words bubbled out of Nazim effortlessly as if by instinct. The incantation began as a whisper then grew louder until finally it seemed that all the people in all the world were shouting the incantation together (Again, this was likely just the frayed nerves but who knows?).

Now this caught the beast off guard for it was quite ready (and capable) of wreaking havoc upon the world and hadn’t really noticed Nazim standing so insignificantly before it. Just as the monster was about to let loose its demonic energy to decimate Nazim, it burped…and then burped again. It really felt quite awful – its ears burned, its eyes itched, and its stomach ached – it couldn’t stop burping. And each time it did it got smaller and smaller until at last, it was no bigger than a little bunny.

Nazim couldn’t believe his eyes. The Terror Beast looked exactly like a little bunny – a cute little bunny.

Nazim and the bunny stared at each other, for a long time, both unable to say anything and neither able to move. Finally, the Terror Beast – err, cute little bunny, blinked and looked around. It shrugged and sat down. It was dumbstruck. It didn’t have quite the same terrible rage inside and didn’t really feel like decimating the countryside. Nazim approached the bunny and sat down beside it. He also lost the urge to hurl deadly lightning bolts. They both sat together in silence until Nazim found himself petting the bunny. He couldn’t help it; it was so adorable.

Zolg and Glurk saw Nazim a few days later. His clothes were a little tattered and he seemed a little out of sorts but there he was, their old friend. Zolg yelled, “Ah, you received our message about the birthday!”

“Thank God,” replied Nazim, “I thought for sure I had to fight a bunch of smelly gargoyles.” Zolg and Glurk didn’t get it but laughed with Nazim to make him feel better (he did look rather awful). “Who’s your furry little friend?” Glurk asked. “Oh, this?” said Nazim. “Hmm, I think I shall call him Bubbles.”

Nazim and Bubbles would go on to have many incredible adventures together – but these tales are for another time.

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